a posse ad esse

face, ankle

whoa, man, funky titles

so here's the deal, xanga.

I haven't been here in eight months, and haven't contributed an actual entry in over a year. I made the decision to stop blogging because life was fuckwitted enough without my worrying about whether I was witty enough for my online audience; snark is tough, man, and relationships difficult to maintain even without the added obstacle of thousands of miles and unsympathetic computer screens. consequently, I have lost touch with everyone I used to talk to through this website, and doubt most of my former xanga friends will even check in when my neglected blog hops once again to the front page.

I have no plans to write regularly in here; life's insane, darlings! there's homework I should be doing as we metaphorically speak! it's tough to view online things as physically relevant; the people I speak to are so terribly far away, and I change drastically without record or rumination. I'll be sixteen and a half next week. I had just turned fourteen when I started posting here. my first thought in reading over the entries in this blog was how unbelieveably different that "zel" is from who I am now.

then again, we are of course the same person - rants and witticisms meshed together, constantly evolving - and I am still fundamentally her. we have the same turn of phrase - though my "darling" inserts are more "man" now, I'm such a fucking hippie lately - and the same semi-colon addiction; we are verbose, but we attempt elegance and coherence through our writing. zel was an interesting person, mostly because I channeled all my social energies into this blog; I'm happier with myself - as trite as that may be - and thus the manic little nina-zel hybrid is no longer necessary.  

this is a fucking essay, man, and I realize the probability of former blog friends reading it is very low, but I just wanted to say something...relevant, I guess. I don't know. it feels strange to pour two years of one's life into a place like this, and then disconnect completely - I can't comprehend half the things I said in here, but I wrote them, and they were important to me. as were the people who commented, and who showed an interest in my life.

anyway. I hope everyone's okay. that's my gist, really; that I was happy when I was here. I read too much into things, yeah; what else is new? 

have spent more than half an hour composing this/neglecting anatomy homework. thank goodness sarah lawrence already said yes.

the truth is out there (still? always!) - nina

          it is a holy day

once upon a time it was twelve thirty in the morning
and a girl returned to her neglected xanga to say
hi
and it was snowing outside
and the girl had school tomorrow
but there was a good chance of cancellation
so she hadn't done any
homework
or brushed her teeth
and she had a cold
- third one this season -
and things were swimming a little
but she had to say
that she loved some of the people she'd met on xanga
but she didn't need another social situation to
worry about
and she was going, but she would leave
several points of contact
for others up at ungodly hours
in the white world
and that she knew
many would look at this last post
(weird)
and that judgement
pasted on her by undeveloped words alone
was exactly why
she was leaving

scullyzel@charter.net
and before she slipped away
she reminded the ones she
respected
to memento mori
and not lose touch
because some things
shouldn't be forgotten

i love you
the end